When I first started this blog I did it mostly to record our adoption process. I didn't really think that I would continue it after the kids got home. But then I realized the value of sharing what has been happening since then. A lot if it is just frou frou stuff happening in our household. But I know that it can have information that may be valuable to others that are adopting.
Right now I want to talk about how it has been going with Kembia. And while she has had a lot of really positive things happening in terms of attachment, she is apparently what others refer to as "insecurely attached". Mostly this fancy term is self-explanatory. What it means for us is that she cries, a lot of times uncontrollably, if I leave her sight. There are times when the crying is so bad she almost makes herself throw up, but thankfully that doesn't happen too often. There are also times where she doesn't mind it if I am out of her sight and will play with whatever toys are around. I can't seem to find any one thing or reason that sets her off into one of her fits. Sometimes when she is really upset, even just moving her from my lap next to me will cause her to freak out.
It is emotionally exhausting, and physically impossible with 5 kids to hold her all the time. I bought a sling that holds her on my back, but because she is so little it doesn't fit her well and she really doesn't like it. I am trying to bite the financial bullet and buy an ergo, but I haven't ordered it yet.
Last week when we were up in Bemidji it was very hard to deal with my mom and her thoughts on Kembia. She thinks that she was a spoiled little girl in the orphanage and that anyone should be able to hold her if they want to because "they are family". Let's just say that I had to repeatedly bite my tongue. And I do believe that it will be a long time before we go back up there. Both due to above reasons, but also it's just a lot of work to take the kids there.
Now,I realize that perhaps what we are dealing with isn't anywhere near the spectrum of those who have RAD kids, but it has been very tough. There have been a lot of times where Chris comes home and I am in tears because if I have to listen to more crying I feel like I might just go insane. I have guilt about not meeting all of the other kids' needs because I am so focused on one child. I have guilt that my 3 year old nephew knows all of his letters, and Owen can only recognize about half of them and will go to school in a year and a half, and how am I supposed to teach him with Kembia screaming and Truitt needing me? Not to mention Moyz and Ava. It has been a lot to think about and deal with.
I belong to a group on the web for people who have adopted from Congo adoptions, and it has been great to be able to ask questions and hear some responses on thoughts on what to do. I got one response that suggested the ergo and some other things to do, and then they ended with (summarizing here), "having a baby so soon after an adoption greatly increases the risk for a failed adoption, which I assume you already know, good luck with all of your babies". Now, I appreciate that this person responded and gave me some advice, I really do. However, I can't say that I appreciate the way that they ended it. First of all, Truitt was a surprise. A huge blessing from God, but it is not like we planned to have all of these kids at one time. And this person knows nothing about me or our situation. Secondly, while I am having a hard time with Kembia, we are not even remotely close to thinking about ending our adoption of her. That is absurd. Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but if you wanted to give me that type of advice, at least start with it at the beginning and then end with something a little more positive!
I also got a response from a woman that I would like to share a little on. This woman't response truly touched my heart. I plan on printing off what she wrote to me and putting it strategically around my house.
Here are some thoughts:
1. God is sovereign and in charge. It is not an accident that we have all of these babies at the same time.
2. God says that children are a blessing, it doesn't mean it will be easy.
3. Often God puts us in places that leave us very dependent on Him. He gives strenth to the weary and increases the power of the weak, Isaiah 40:29
4. God knew what families our babies would be in, and what that would look like, even if we didn't
5. Give yourself some grace. I will not be able to do it all, nor will all be able to meet all the needs of all my children, and that is okay.
There were other things that this woman shared with me, but I just wanted to highlight a few and share with you. I am amazed at the fact that someone I don't even know would take the time to send me the email that she did. She will never truly know the impact that her response had on me.
Adoption is hard, and messy and totally worth it. I would appreciate all of your prayers as we adjust to being a family of 7, and for Kembia to feel secure in our family and to not be driven by her fears and loss.