Monday, May 7, 2012

The 300th Post

Wow.  I can't believe that I have made it to 300 posts.   It's a long time when I think that I started it before my kids came home.  And I suppose it's not really just an adoption blog, and hasn't been for awhile.  More like a mind dump for Jess.

I thought I would make post 300 a personal reflection.

So this past week I was reading Catching Fire (again, can't wait for the movie which is probably still a long ways out) and I came to the part in the book where Peeta is doing everything in the arena to keep Katniss alive (again, and really isn't that mostly how it goes the first and second books?) and just the way he is so selfless made me think of my hubby, Chris.  It also made me feel like crap.

This happened the first time I read the book, but then I proceeded to forget about it.  And then it happened the second time I read the book, and then I remembered the first time it happened, and then I felt even worse. The reason I felt so bad is that Chris is a very selfless person, and I AM NOT.  I feel like I need to all-caps that for myself to let it sink in.

He doesn't read my blog, but if he did, I can almost guarantee that he would say he's not selfless and such and is very-self centered.  And he's not saying or doing it for more attention or accolades.  It's really just the way he is.  I definitely married up.

Normally, I don' think twice about how he sacrifices and lets me have more "me" time than him.  I think the babies had been home 5 months before he went on a Saturday and did something fun with friends.  5 whole months.  I know for sure that I had gone on several Saturdays either by myself or with a friend to get away from the madness in those first 5 months. And instead of being happy for him when he left, I was irritated and bummed because it wasn't me getting away.

I have done a lot of thinking this past week about how I act as a person.  Sure, I sacrifice for my kids and am fairly selfless when it comes to them.  But am I that way to adults and others?  Some, but not enough.  Especially when it comes to my husband.

This summer will be our 11th wedding anniversary.  During this time we have had ups and downs and neutral zones.  I call those "roommate" times.  Where you're married but you kind of feel like you are just roommates, living together but separate lives.  I wonder if I had been more selfless and more focused on us, if those moments would have been less.  That's where I wonder if a lot of divorces happen- the roommate times.  Because it seems that if you hadn't made a commitment for life, then it would be easy to bail out when things are neutral.  But marriage is a commitment, and love is a choice.  And you know what?  Every single roommate time has ended and our marriage is great.  Not without flaws, but great.

I  love Chris so much, and he deserves so much more than I can possibly give him, but I can make a conscious decision to focus less on myself and more on him and on our marriage.  I want to be one of those couples who have been married for 50 years and honestly say that each year is better than the one before.

I have a long ways to go, but I am hoping that recognizing it and "taking the bull by the horns" is a good step in the right direction.

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