This past weekend we went to a wedding in my hometown. My brother and his wife still live there. She is due in 2 weeks to have their second child- a little girl. My sister in law is one of those impossibly nauseating pregnant people. You know the ones that I am talking about. She looks amazing and about 6 months pregnant, not due-soon pregnant. The kind where she will probably walk home in her pre-pregnancy jeans. I have to admit that I am slightly jealous. I was the huge kind of pregnancy where I waddled along and puffed up with so much water I was almost unrecognizable! Anyway, we got to see the nursery for our niece. So adorable. Then we got to see the little outfits for her to come home in. Oh my goodness. They were impossibly tiny! Itty bitty pants and a onesie with flowers on them. Have you recently looked at a size 1 diaper? It could fit a doll! I am so excited for my niece to get here!

I have to admit though, seeing all of the little things make my heart long for our own babies. It was a bittersweet moment. I am beyond the moon for my brother and his wife, but it also made the ache inside of me for our kids worse. We will not be able to see our children so tiny and new. We may not know what their circumstances are. Their mom's do not have beautiful nurseries all ready with adorable baby things laid out for them, just waiting for them to come into this world. Something horrible is going to happen to them, and to their family. That is the thing about adoption that we don't think about enough. We will be blessed by them, but somebody has more hurt than we can possibly imagine that will lead them to give up their child.

Being "next" on the list has been very hard. I have all the questions of why it has been so long and we have not had our referrals. I know there are so many children in need, so why is it taking so long? Everyday is a day with anticipation and hoping to receive our referral. Every night that passes ends with a little bit of sadness that we didn't recieve them yet. People continue to move forward with adoptions from our country. I get the updates on those who have just finished their homestudy, or filed some govt. papework of some sort. And still we stay in a holding position. I think that my level of anxiety would be way less if we knew that we were on the list but not next. Next carries so much weight with it. I follow other blogs where people post the number they are as they move down through the waiting list. We have no where to move. I know people may say for me to quit whining, that next isn't bad, it is where everyone wants to be. And you are so right. But the pressure is a lot. Next means that the very next babies are ours if we so choose. And yet, they have not come. I don't know the reason. And that is hard too. It makes my mind have all sorts of questions. I wonder if the country is going to shut down (there is NO evidence for this at all, but I panic anyways), maybe God doesn't want us to adopt and so we are not receiving our referrals- Although, we really felt the call to adopt.

It does help to see families still moving forward in our program. To see their excitement helps me remember that this should be an exciting time. That I cannot let fear and worry overcome my life. I am fighting it. Most of the time I do fairly well. But seeing all of the brand new baby things got me thinking, and that can be a dangerous thing! I don't know how other families cope with the wait and all of the questions. But they must do it too. Just like I must do it, and I will.